I wrote you a symphony.

Beautiful and touching poem, made me think and feel at the same time. I loved the metaphors and the musical-rhythm of it, even though it’s a narrative poetry. very subtle little word plays. I enjoyed it very much!

Still, this feels like a draft and not a final copy. I think that there’s a lot of room to work on it, especially technically and not much content-wise.

I think that it would be better to drop the And between the lines - Fashioned from soaring melody and / Interweaving harmony. Thus enhancing the melodically-feel of the stanza.

Fashioned from soaring melody;
interweaving harmony.

Up till the last couple of lines of the first stanza you created a solid and almost-lyrical tempo and rhythm, I really enjoyed that harmonious feel of a couple, but the sudden break created a chaos in my mind. It occurred on the lines -

The two-voiced motif that would go on forever
If the players so wished it.


The second stanza feels very confusing and chaotic; I think that maybe it needs a little more order. I would take out the word Dissonance of the second line, just because you repeat it later and it’s pretty much self explanatory (and maybe more important – it breaks the build up you create). Then, I would cut the line - (Every few days, was that supposed to be bearable?) - because it feels more upbeat. The line - ”Formerly resolution followed, for so cadences form and progressions flow,” feels a little bit clumsy, but I’m not sure what to do about. The last thing I would do is bounce the words ”until that,” to the following line, like this - ”until that, that was all that was left.” Because it feels stronger.

In came that which should have been natural;
Too much, too often.
(Every few days,
was that supposed to be bearable?)
Formerly resolution followed, for so cadences form and progressions flow,
But harsh dissonance smothered consonance
until that, that was all that was left.

As for the third stanza there is only one point of thought which I’m not sure what would be better in this case – the second and third lines end with of/and respectively. How about pushing them to the next line instead?

I wrote you a symphony, but now,
Now it lies – discarded – on my dusty shelf
Of childish fantasies
And foolish mistakes.

What it does is putting the emphasize on the Childish fantasies and Foolish mistakes instead on the conjunctions. But I’m not sure about that.

The fourth stanza ends with another parenthesis, which I’m really not sure why it’s so. Why didn’t you leave it outside the parenthesis? Because this way it feels to me detached and unrelated.

The fifth stanza opens with - Two-part canons require two players but I, - I would drop the But I to the next line, leaving the opening line a somewhat peaceful irony to the following. This will make the break in feel much stronger.

Two-part canons require two players
But I, I fell silent
And you,
You fell down.

The last thing I’ll address is the capital letters, which in this case feels to me like somewhat inappropriate. I know it’s a matter of style and a subject open to debate, but generally I think that the capital letters on every line regardless of the punctuation takes the notch off this poem.

Besides the technicalities I think that this is really a beautiful poem, personally I loved the world of content, because I’m a musician myself, and felt it very accurate and fitting. This entire poem is built really good in advancments and progression. I really enjoyed it and felt it as I read through, just thinking that it could use a good edit and some considerations over what’s the right calls